[identity profile] zomboid.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] baka_monogatari
Da, Zoe, and I have been talking about having a comment fic meme for a while now. So... basically, I've been put in charge of revealing our grand scheme of cracky goodness (or badness) to you fine lovely ladies out there.

So what's the theme?

REALISTIC THINGS THAT YOU DON'T SEE IN FANFICTION


Rules? We don't really have any rules. Things can range from gen fics to romantic comedy to tragedy (because there's really only a thin line between the two.) Although we'd like to keep it within JE. Yes, that means you can write about Yoshitake Kayoko, Sakai Tae, and Yoshikawa Kiyomi (the three women Juniors of J&A.)

To give you an idea of what we're thinking about. Here's are some examples:

Ever read a fic where they don't use lubrication before teh buttsecks?
Ever heard of a JE boy NOT being gay?
The lack of protection when engaging in teh buttsechs?
Someone falling asleep during/before/mid-sex?
A JE boy meeting a Mary Sue character and totally brushed her off because he might just be plain unimpressed?

I'll let you think of the other possibilities (and the possibilities are endless. :D) So have at it ladies! (If only to satisfied the three perverted old ladies' needs for comment fic meme.) :D

Date: 2008-12-29 10:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
Since one of us has to start the hell train a rollin' (and since I'm being cockblocked on the computer again... XD like I said, I do most of my writing on the Wii *snort* I'M SORRY, NINTENDO, I HAVE TARNISHED YOUR WHOLESOME GAMING CONSOLE. YOUR FAULT FOR PUTTING A WEB BROWSER ON THERE.)

"Ne... maybe we should call it quits for tonight, Ryo-chan."

Ryo frowned as Yamapi rolled off of him and onto the bed. He couldn't quite understand it himself. They weren't doing anything different; if anything, the course of work, dinner, drinks, and mind blowing sex (because Nishikido didn't provide anything less) was entirely routine by now. And yet here they were in bed, naked, getting ready to engage in a quick and dirty round of the horizontal mambo...

And Ryo couldn't get it up for the life of himself.

He frowned as he sat up on the edge of the bed and glared down at his crotch. He felt like yelling because what the hell is your problem, dick but figured that the situation was already embarassing enough without him screaming at his own penis in front of his boyfriend. "I just... need some time, is all. You can't rush genius, okay?"

Yamapi shot him a dubious look."But it's been... like... an hour."

"It has not been an hour." Ryo groused. Behind him Yamapi made an unconvinced mmmmmm to which the Osakan bristled and barked an angry, "Thirty minutes, okay? It hasn't been more than thirty minutes!"

Yamapi shrugged, fingers toying with a curly brown lock of hair. "Okay, thirty minutes. Whatever. We should probably just go to bed since you're too tired--"

"I am not too tired!" Ryo cried, instantly wincing at how whiny it sounded. Nishikido Ryo could get it up whenever he wanted, damn it! It just... took some time, apparently. Maybe he had too much on his mind. Yes, that had to be it.

"Well I'm tired!" the younger man said emphatically, throwing his arms behind his head for good measure. When Ryo refused to take the rather obvious hint, Yamapi reached over and tugged on his elbow. "C'mon, Ryo-chan. Sleep. We can try again in the morning?"

Ryo mumbled something about not wanting to try in the morning because clearly there shouldn't be a problem because Nishikido Ryo was a virile young man and virile young men did not have performance issues. With a sigh, Yamapi sat up and reached a hand out to Ryo's shoulder, running the fingers along his arm in what was meant to be a soothing gesture. "It's perfectly natural, Ryo-chan. It happens to guys all the time."

Ryo turned ever so slightly, glancing at the other man from the corner of his eye. "Has it ever happened to you?"

A beat. Yamapi pursed his lips. "Well... no."

Ryo considered smothering his boyfriend with a pillow.

"But I'm sure it's happened to someone! So don't worry, ne! I should know; I'm a doctor!" Yamapi smiled as he thrust a thumb at his own chest.

"You're not a doctor," Nishikido grumbled, poking Yamapi in one of his boobs. "You just play one on TV. Thank God."

"Close enough!" Yamashita wrapped his arms around the smaller man and tugged backwards. "C'mon, Ryo-chan. Sleep. It'll give Ryo Jr. a chance to charge up."

Ryo sighed. He wasn't sure who he was more irritated at; the happy-go-lucky idiot he called a boyfriend or the unresponsive body part he wanted to stick in said happy-go-lucky idiot. He settled on Yamapi. After all, he'd known his penis for considerably longer and, aside from this and a few other minor indiscretions, they'd had a much stronger history together.

"You're just not sexy enough," he grumbled, finally letting his idiot boyfriend pull him down to snuggle. Because no way in hell could it be his fault. Sexy Osaka Men did not have problems like this. No sir. Absolutely not.

The room was silent save for the gentle whirring of the ceiling fan. Yamapi opened his mouth, considered saying something, and then shut it. He did his best to hide the smile as he nuzzled his face between Ryo's shoulder blades. "Sorry. I'll work on it."

Sometimes being a good leader meant knowing when to take one for the team, after all.

... 8D;

Date: 2008-12-29 05:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
I AM GLAD I COULD PLEASE, BB! I thought it might not be funny enough but, meh, if it makes you happy then I am happy.

I also didn't get enough sleep last night and may be working on another one. BECAUSE CLEARLY I CAN ONLY WRITE WHEN IT INVOLVES HUMILIATING PEOPLE. NAMELY RYO.

MAY THE TEGOD IDOL SMILE UPON YOU ALL. 8D

Date: 2008-12-29 06:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
OMFG ILUSM BB!!! *dies* OH GODS, THAT WAS TRULY AMAZING. XD *crying*

RYO HATES ME (AND SPIDERS) PT. 1

Date: 2008-12-29 08:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
WHAT WAS THAT? MORE RYO HUMILIATION WITH A SIDE OF MASUKIDO? I THINK I CAN SWING THAT. 8DDDDD

Massu all but purred under Ryo's touch, writhing this way and that as if he were made of pure lust. The older man took a moment to cherish the sight, a secret shared solely between the two; the transformation from sweet, boyish Massu into the hyper-sexual Masuda. At first the gap had bothered him immensely. It was a hell of a change. But after some careful thought--and a little "convincing" on Masuda's part--Ryo had decided that it didn't really matter all that much. Everyone had their little bits of themselves they hid away. If nothing else, being the only one privy to this secret other side to Massu's personality made things even sweeter.

Plus the sex was really, really nice.

Currently the object of Ryo's desire was stretching out languidly on the bed, back arching and fingers scrabbling for purchase against the headboard, and all while gloriously naked. Ryo couldn't help the ravenous grin as he dipped down to nibble along Massu's colar bone.

The younger man mewled in appreciation, legs going up to wrap around Nishikido's waist and pull him tighter. His head lolled back, exposing more skin for Ryo to administer needy kisses to, and he smiled lazily as his eyes fluttered open.

Unfortunately, that was also when he noticed the spider on the headboard.

Massu paused. Blinked. The spider inched closer to the ring finger on his left hand, oblivious to the actions of the two men on the bed below it. And so, faced with the current situation, Massu did what any self respecting pop idol with a more-than-healthy fear of bugs would do.

He shrieked like a girl and scrambled to the side of the room that was the furthest from said centimeter-long eight-legged monster.

Unfortunately, this also meant Ryo got a foot to the gut and an elbow to the chin, but Massu was more focused on his escape from the spider than his lover's safety. Ryo was scary, sure, but spiders were terrifying.

Ryo took a few moments to gulp back the air that had been forcibly knocked out of him before looking at Massu as if he was positively insane. "What the fuck, Massu!"

The younger boy just pointed in the general direction of the headboard, unable to look in case that... thing was still crawling about. As it was, all he managed was a choked, "Spider!!"

Now it was Ryo's turn to blink. He gazed over to where the cowering boy was pointing. Sure enough, there was a harmless little house spider crawling around, paying no mind to the chaos it had just caused. Ryo sighed. Sexual beast though he may be, Massu was still Massu, and even at his most seductive he was still deathly afraid of bugs.

"Alright, alright," Ryo said softly. "I've got it." He moved closer on the bed, searching for something to swat the bug with. He briefly contemplated using one of Massu's girly fashion magazines, but decided that the resulting shitfit his ultra cleanly boyfriend would likely throw was not worth it. The pillows and blanket were ruled out for similar reasons. Really, it didn't look like there was anything close at hand that would work as a spider extinguisher. So he did the only thing he could think to do.

He slapped his bare palm down over the offensive little arachnid, effectively sending it on a one-way trip to the Spider Afterlife.

"Problem solved." Ryo preened.

Nishikido was expecting some sort of jubilation on Masuda's part at being saved from the little eight-legged terror. Lots of cooing and kisses and affectionate cries of my hero (and maybe even a grateful blowjob.) What he got, though, was an incredulous gape. "You killed it with your hand!?"

Ryo shrugged and grinned. It was pretty manly, wasn't it?

"Ryo, that's horrible!"

The Osakan frowned. "What, you didn't want me to kill it?"
"Not with your bare hand!" Massu cried, arms flailing about a bit for effect. And then his eyes doubled in size when he saw Ryo move the offending hand towards the blanket. "Don't you dare wipe it on the blanket!"

"Damn it, Massu, stop being such a fucking girl. I'll clean it up after. Now come here. I'll make you forget about the stupid bug."

Re: RYO HATES ME (AND SPIDERS) PT. 1

Date: 2008-12-29 08:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
OMFG XDDD WIN WIN WIN!!!!!!!!! ♥♥♥
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
Ahem... I couldn't resist joining in the Ryo torture, so here's some more, right back at ya! 8D

--

"Mmm... Shige," Ryo groaned as the soft sounds of flesh meeting flesh and heavy breathing filled the room. He arched his back as he pushed into his lover, his grip on the other's thighs tightening as shots of electricity jolted through his body. If he was this close, then he knew by proxy that Shige had to be close, too. Afterall, Nishikido Ryo's lovers always came first (literally).

He grunted and gave another push, mentally congratulating himself for his sexual prowess as he tilted his head to look down at his lover through the dark.

"Shige... Shige, let me hear you," Ryo murmured, his breath catching as he gave another particularly hard push into the other, knowing that he had (as always) undoubtedly reduced his lover to a quivering mass of flesh incapable of speech. That didn't mean that Shige couldn't show his appreciation for Ryo's abilities without words, though, and Ryo expected as much from all his lovers.

Ryo watched Shige's mouth falling open and smirked to himself as he waited to hear the other's screams of ecstasy. He was already giving himself a figurative pat on the back when the sounds of their lovemaking were broken by a very distinct, very loud snore.

Ryo froze, his brows furrowing as another snore followed and he tried to make sense of it all.

People did not fall asleep while they were having sex with Nishikido Ryo. Especially not people who were boring and had stupid hair and were damn lucky that they were being granted the priviledge of sleeping with said super star and sexual demon.

And yet, here he was, buried balls deep inside a bandmate who was most definitely snoring and, now that he looked closer, drooling on his pillow, despite the obvious honor that he was being granted.

Ryo made a sound of indignation (which was not anything like a girly shriek, mind you) and climbed off the other, his pride thoroughly wounded. He reached for his pillow and smacked Shige across the head, hard.

Shige snorted and rolled over, murmuring in his sleep. "...no, mom, I want pancakes for breakfast."

Ryo scowled, smacking Shige again for good measure before he reached over and shoved the other out of the bed and onto the floor, all the while muttering to himself about how sorry Shige was going to be when he missed out on any future Nishikido loving. He pulled the covers up and around himself as he slumped back against the headboard and pouted as he thought up a variety of painful ways to kill Shige without making too much of a mess.

Shige's head popped up over the edge of the bed a second later, his hair sticking up at odd angles as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes. "... eh? What's going on?"

Ryo glowered at him and threw the pillow at his head, gleaning a little satisfaction from the pained grunt that Shige gave. As tempting as murder was at the moment he didn't want to put up with the fuss that Koyama would make if Ryo hurt his precious Shige. He also doubted it would be a wise career move (although part of him suspected that it wouldn't hurt things with Kanjani at all). "If you value your life I suggest you sleep on the couch tonight."

Shige blinked and nodded as he collected his pillow and stood, too used to Ryo's fits of temper to really stop and question why he was being kicked out of bed again. He paused as he got to the doorway and looked down at himself and then turned, his face confused. "Uh... why am I naked?"

Ryo just growled and threw another pillow at his head. Shige decided it was best not to ask questions and ran out into the living room, his pillow clutched in front of his face like a shield.

RYO TORTURE IS NEXT TO (TE)GODLINESS. <3

Date: 2008-12-29 08:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
OH GOD. YOU ALREADY HAD ME AT SEXUAL DEMON. AND THEN THE PANCAKES! AND POUTY RYO! AND JUST SL:KFJLDKFJDKLGKLJEOIJFSLKFJSLK:G KEYSMASH OF LOVVVEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Funny that Shige would fall asleep on Ryo, seeing as Nishikato bored the hell out of me too... 8D;; *runs before getting swatted at by half the fandom*

LOVE! LOVE!! LOVE? LOVELOVELOVE!!

SEE!? I LOVE IT SO MUCH THAT I CANNOT EVEN CODE RIGHT!!!
Edited Date: 2008-12-29 08:47 pm (UTC)

Re: RYO TORTURE IS NEXT TO (TE)GODLINESS. <3

Date: 2008-12-29 09:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
THE PANCAKES WERE TOO GOOD TO RESIST. ALTHOUGH SHIGE MIGHT WANT TO BEWARE KOICHI NOW... >.>

Haha... it's okay, I'll protect you from the hordes of angry Nishikato fans! Obviously they're all just waiting to be shown the true love that is Masukido so that they can be reformed. 8|

IT IS ONLY FAIR PAYBACK FOR THE UTTER LOVE THAT IS THE SPIDER FIC. SERIOUSLY... BEST. STORY. EVAR!!!!

Re: RYO TORTURE IS NEXT TO (TE)GODLINESS. <3

Date: 2008-12-29 09:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
OH JESUS KOICHIxPANCAKESxSHIGE!? I THINK MY BRAIN JUST DIED.

So true! They should just give in already! After all, our side can dance AND sing better. Plus it's cuter! 8D;; *is swatted at*

GAAAH YOU~!!! <3 <3 <3 I just couldn't resist. First it was just "LOL MASSU IS AFRAID OF BUGS" and then I remembered about his crazy cleanliness OCD and, well... it just snowballed from there. XD I almost made it Shigemasu originally, but Ryo torture... IT IS OH SO SWEET. 8|

Besides, I have something else horrible in mind for Kato-kun. 8D

Re: RYO TORTURE IS NEXT TO (TE)GODLINESS. &lt;3

Date: 2008-12-29 09:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
TRULY, IT IS A HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE THING. That I totally want to write now.

INDEED! Come, little ones, come to the dark side! >8D

I TOTALLY LOVE YOU FOR IT, TOO. <3<3<3 Gah, I think my favorite part was the Omake, too. Poor, poor Shige. XDDDD

Ooooh? 8D
Edited Date: 2008-12-29 09:37 pm (UTC)

Re: RYO TORTURE IS NEXT TO (TE)GODLINESS. &lt;3

Date: 2008-12-29 09:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
INDEED. A THING MADE OF PURE TERROR. DOITDOITDOITDOIT!!!!!!!!!

Well, obviously this just means we have to flood the fandom with decently written Masukido fics. 8| Come, darlings! Come taste the delicious Chubby x Asshole love.

Awwwww. XD You know I love the Sleeping Shige fic too. Which says something since you know how much I hate Nishikato. AND YET YOU WROTE SOME AND I LOVED IT. Also, Shige pain is seriously delicious, too!!

Indeed. It's sort of similar to the spider fic in concept so I'm waffling a bit on it. Also it has Koyama torture, and that makes me sad. I'M SORRY IN ADVANCE, KOYAMAMA. ;o;

.... AAAAND PART 2.

Date: 2008-12-29 08:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
Massu looked absolutely aghast at the suggestion. Sure, he put up with Nishikido's lack of cleanliness out of love, but there were some things even pure adoration couldn't get him to do. "I'm not doing it with spider guts over my head, Ryo!" Frowning, he pointed in the general direction of the bathroom. "Go take a shower!"

Ryo rolled his eyes. He wanted to tell Massu that he was being absolutely ridiculous but one look at the tight lipped scowl the baby-faced boy was giving him and the remark died on his lips. With a heavy sigh he climbed off the bed and stomped over in the direction of the bathroom, but not before watching Massu uncurl and stand up, still very naked. Ryo paused. Maybe they could still salvage something out of this whole fiasco... "Wanna shower with me?"

Massu frowned. "I have to clean up your mess first." And with a determined gait Masuda made his way out of the bedroom. No doubt searching for a rag, some cleaning solution, and probably some heavy duty gloves.

Alone in the bedroom, Ryo glared over at the headboard and the tiny smudge of goo that had started all of this.

God damn did he hate spiders.

-----
OMAKE

"Shige! What happened to your face!?"

Koyama was hovering around his friend, trying to gingerly dab at the swelling area around his right eye and getting batted away by an extra grumpy Kato Shigeaki.

"Nishikido happened!" Shige barked, cupping the tender area to try and keep it free from Koyama's prying fingers. "One second I'm showing Tegoshi the new shirt I bought and the next thing I know he comes up and socks me in the damn eye! What the hell is his problem!"

Koyama looked down at said shirt. It didn't look all that offensive. Just a vintage white tee with an array of spiders screen printed across the front. If anything, he thought it looked kind of cool, but Ryo-chan always was a little overly sensitive when it came to fashion.

"Maybe Ryo-chan just doesn't like spiders?"

Across the room, Massu indignantly devoured a couple nikuman.

8D;; HELLO I AM AN ASSHOLE.

Re: .... AAAAND PART 2.

Date: 2008-12-29 08:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
XD OH GODS. MY LOVE, I CANNOT EXPRESS IT ENOUGH. SRSLY.

Also, I need to quit commenting so much, as I'm probably spamming your poor inbox. XD

Re: .... AAAAND PART 2.

Date: 2008-12-29 08:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
PSSSHHH WHATEVER. GIVE ME YOUR COMMENT LOVE.

Especially since I have been, yet again, relegated to the Wii to type up my horrible crap. THE COCKBLOCK! SHE IS STRONG!

Re: .... AAAAND PART 2.

Date: 2008-12-29 08:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
NOOOOO! Careful, Zoe. If Nintendo catches wind of your perverted use of their virginal gaming system it may not be pretty. 8|

Re: .... AAAAND PART 2.

Date: 2008-12-29 08:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
I can... write them horrific badporn? 8D;;

Is it sad that these little joke fics are the closest I've come to writing smut in a long, long time? A FAILURE IS ME.

Re: .... AAAAND PART 2.

Date: 2008-12-29 08:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
HORRIFICALLY AWESOME, YOU MEAN. 8DDD ♥

No, because for me it's this and the Sausage Fest I had with Yume. XD

Re: .... AAAAND PART 2.

Date: 2008-12-29 09:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
LOL FLATTERY WILL GET YOU NOWHERE.

.... OKAY, THAT'S A LIE BUT STILL. XD

We can't help it, I guess! Sex + JE boys = SERIOUSLY FUNNY.

Re: .... AAAAND PART 2.

Date: 2008-12-29 09:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
I KNOW THIS AND USE IT TO MY ADVANTAGE, CLEARLY. 8D

Oh gods, I know. Especially when it's hillariously awkward sex! 8D

Re: .... AAAAND PART 2.

Date: 2008-12-29 09:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
ARGH YOU~ XD *POKES!*

Oh, for super, super serious. As much as I bitch about it, there is a part of me who will always love hilariously bad fic. HELLO I AM DO-M HOW ARE YOU?

Re: .... AAAAND PART 2.

Date: 2008-12-29 09:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
NO POKING. I MIGHT HAVE TO POKE BACK. 8|

Oh gods, I know. Remember, you're talking to the girl who willingly seeks out horrific MPREG fic for the LULZ. XD DO-M... THE ONLY WAY TO BE! 8D;

Re: .... AAAAND PART 2.

Date: 2008-12-29 09:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
BRRRRRRRRRING IT! 8|

So true, so true. Which reminds me, I may have another bad fic to tell you about whenever the hell I can get on the actual computer again. In the meantime, I will contemplate on writing more NEWS badficlet or giving a KinKi badficlet a shot. OSSANS NEED CRAPPY FIC LOVE TOO!
Edited Date: 2008-12-29 09:40 pm (UTC)

Re: .... AAAAND PART 2.

Date: 2008-12-29 10:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
YES! OSSAN-TACHI LOVE!! D'awww, too bad the Crisco fic is already completed. That would be so fitting here. XD

Date: 2008-12-29 01:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aerish.livejournal.com
omg, liek, I wrote this from my original character's POV, feedback is <3~!!1111

It was the third time she'd seem him in the same club in as many days. She hadn't even been stalking the same places, but everywhere she went there he was. It was like fate, or destiny, or whatever that thing is called when you're meant to be with someone. It was obvious.

That first night when she saw him it had sparked something inside her she didn't know existed. It was like she was suddenly alive and for the first time, she new that life had meaning. Then, after exchanging hurried glances with him, she realized that she knew him. Not personally, of course, but he was that singer from the idol group, KAT-TUN. She recognized him because he'd been in the news after returning to Japan after 6 months studying English in Los Angeles. It was perfect, not only was he beautiful, but smart, too! And he spoke English, which meant they could chat in public and his words would be private, meant only for her. You see, she had moved to Japan from America and her Japanese was not entirely fluent yet.

She was shy, so she didn't approach him; surely he had a girlfriend already, being an idol. She merely watched him from afar that night. The next night when she saw him again she didn't know what to do, but still she was too shy to say hello, so she danced on the dance floor especially for him, making sure to look as sexy as possible. He was looking at her.

On the third night when she saw him at yet another club she decided to talk to him. He was sitting at the bar and when he saw her walking up to him he leaned over the counter and whispered to the bartender. Oh, she thought, he's ordered me a drink. No doubt he already knows I drink Gimlets. She sat down next to him and carefully swept her hair behind her ear.

"Hello," she said in a low sultry tone, "I'm Elizabeth."

"Oh GAWD, get the fuck away, you fat bitch. The bartender's calling the cops, fucking STALKER!" Akanishi stood up and strutted to the VIP room. Elizabeth watched him go, confused. Sure, she'd been following him, taking pictures, and filming him while he slept, but that was only because they were MEANT to be together! He'd learn eventually, even if it killed him. Literally.

JA JAN!! I give you- the stalker mary sue getting the cops called on her ass and also a two for one-r with Akanishi being an asshole!

Date: 2008-12-29 05:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
NEEDS MORE KAWAII DESU NE.

STILL, I GIVE YOU AN A++++ FOR EFFORT.

Date: 2008-12-29 06:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
Sure, she'd been following him, taking pictures, and filming him while he slept, but that was only because they were MEANT to be together!

Oh gods, I LOLed so hard. XDDDD

Ichimen Sex Ed!

Date: 2008-12-29 07:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
Shige frowned as he walked into the NEWS dressing room, a little confused by what he was seeing. Instead of walking in to see his bandmates doing their usual-- eating, bitching, admiring their own reflection, studying and tidying up after everyone else, respectively-- he was greeted by the sight of them all seated in a line in the middle of the room, staring puzzledly at the screen now set up at the front of the room.

"Uh... morning?" Shige frowned as he walked up to the line of chairs and gave his bandmates a questioning look.

"Good Morning, Shige!" Koyama piped, smiling brightly at his friend as he patted the empty seat next to him. "I saved you a seat!"

"Thanks," Shige murmured as he took it and sat his bag at his feet, still thoroughly confused. He motioned to the projector and the chairs with a slightly wary look. "So, what exactly is all this?"

Ryo snorted, his arms crossed over his chest as he slumped in his chair sullenly. "A complete waste of time. You can thank Akanishi for it later. Apparently being stupid isn't enough but he has to go and brag about it."

Shige furrowed his brows, the mention of Akanishi's name making the whole situation seem that much more ominous. Luckily, his train of thought was cut off by the sound of the door opening and closing behind them and the soft echo of footsteps across the floor. Shige and his bandmates (save Ryo, who was too busy acting put upon) turned almost as one to glance at the newcomer, their eyes widening when they saw who it was.

"Oh, Sakurai-kun!" Tegoshi exclaimed and flashed his brightest smile, causing Sho to stumble a little as he took his place in front of the projector screen.

Something that sounded distinctly like a snort came from Ryo's direction but Shige chose to ignore it as he watched Sho straighten his suit, unable for the life of him to figure out why the older man would be here. Not that he minded-- afterall, Shige couldn't help but admire someone who was so smart and capable and just plain cool. He was just a little worried that his bandmates were going to, well, be themselves and do something to embarrass themselves and, most of all, him.

He also couldn't help remembering that this had something to do with Akanishi and that could never, ever be a good sign.

"Good Morning," Sho chimed as he lifted his head, finally satisfied that his suit was in proper order, and flashed them all a (in Shige's opinion) cool smile.

"Good Morning," they all (even Ryo, although his was considerably grudging) chimed back in unison.

"I know you're all probably wondering why you're here today," Sho started, reaching one hand into his pocket as he spoke.

"Breakfast?" Massu asked, his voice decidedly hopeful.

"Er... no," Sho mumbled, looking decidedly apologetic as Tegoshi patted Massu on the back and Koyama pulled some melon pan out of his bag and handed it over.

"So, what are we here for?" Shige asked, trying his best to sound diligent and thoroughly interested to make up for his bandmates' lack of manners and respect for their obviously talented sempai.

Sho smiled weakly and tore his eyes away from Massu and his melon pan and made a motion with one hand. The lights magically went out and the projector screen lit up with a series of mysterious looking charts and graphs, causing all of them (even Shige) to cock their heads to the side in confusion.

Shige was still trying to puzzle out their meaning when Sho tapped the screen with a pointer that had seemingly appeared out of thin air, his expression gone serious as he stared the NEWS members down one by one. "Today we're going to talk about why it is never a good idea to place foreign objects into any of your bodily orifices."

There was a pause while Sho let the words sink in, his pointer poised in mid-air while NEWS all blinked at him in varying degrees of confusion, dismay and disgust.

"I knew this was Akanishi's fault," Ryo groaned. The rest of NEWS could do nothing but nod in agreement, while Shige secretly prayed that there wouldn't be time for questions later.


... XD okay, kind of weak but I maybe just wanted to make Sho do an Ichimen style sex ed type thing. *coughs*
Edited Date: 2008-12-29 07:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
PSSSH WEAK MY ASS. HOW CAN ICHIMEN SHO TEACHING NEWS ABOUT WHAT NOT TO SHOVE PLACES BE BAD!?

And OH GOD THE SHIGE MAN CRUSH I LOVES IT.

GOD WHY CAN'T I STOP TYPING IN ALL CAPS!? SFKLJDKL:JL:JGLJGGD:LKJFJG LUUUUUUURVE.
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
I COULDN'T HELP THE MANCRUSH. AFTERALL, SHIGE AND SHO ARE CLEARLY SOULMATES IN FAIL. 8DDD
Edited Date: 2008-12-29 09:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
SERIOUSLY. SHIGE AND JUN SHOULD FORM A SHO CRUSH CLUB. THEY CAN DO EACH OTHER'S HAIR AND GIGGLE ABOUT HOW ~*~TOTALLY COOL~*~ SAKURAI-SENPAI IS, TEEHEEE!!!

ICHIMEN SEX ED, PART II: SHO SAVES THE DAY

Date: 2008-12-29 10:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
I MAYBE COULDN'T RESIST A SEQUEL. XD

--

"I don't think this is a good idea." Maru glanced over his shoulder at Yoko and Subaru, his eyes wide with poorly disguised horror as he watched them pulling a banana, a cumcumber and a slinky out of Yoko's bag.

"Oh, come on, Maru... don't be a spoil sport," Yoko laughed as Subaru pulled a curling iron out of the bag with a rather manic gleam in his eyes.

"Yeah, Maru-chan. Don't you trust your fellow rangers to always do what's best for you?"

Maru opened his mouth and then shut it, deciding silence was probably better than an honest answer in this situation. He felt his mouth go dry as he watched Subaru fiddling with the curling iron.

"Yeah, just trust us, Maru-chan!" Yoko echoed, giving Maru his most innocent smile as he pushed the other forward until he was bent over their dressing table.

"Wait!" Maru nearly shrieked, his eyes impossibly wide as he watched Subaru approach. "You didn't say anything about a curling iron!"

Subaru rolled his eyes and started to explain in the same tone you'd take with an unruly 3 year old. "If we'd said something that would ruin the surprise, Maru-chan. Besides, it's not like we're going to plug it in."

"Yeah, we're not stupid." Yoko added as he reached out to pat Maru on the head with one hand, the other fumbling for the other's pants.

Maru whimpered and buried his face against the dressing table, wondering how on Earth he'd gotten into this mess. When Yoko and Subaru had said they wanted to try out some new material on him he hadn't thought they'd actually meant they wanted to try out new material on him.

"I think we should start with the banana and work our way up, ne. Afterall, it's soft."

"Hm... yeah. We can save the baseball bat for last."

"Baseball bat?!?" Maru screeched, turning around just in time to see the door open and a very grim faced Sakurai Sho walk through, a pointer clutched in one hand and a stack of charts in the other.

Yoko, Subaru and Maru all froze, giving Sho a puzzled look.

Sho stared from one to the other, trying his best to hide his nervousness as Subaru flashed him a maniacal smile and waved at him with the curling iron. "Ah...looks like I got here just in time."

Re: ICHIMEN SEX ED, PART II: SHO SAVES THE DAY

Date: 2008-12-29 10:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com


DFLKJDGJDFKLJGKLDFJGHKLHLJIOPERUJH;FKLHB;LGJH;LJ;DFJHTOPJIFGKHLLLKJDF;DSKH!!!!!!!!!!

AUGDHSFHKLFDKLJDKKK!!! MARUCHAN SAVED IN THE NICK OF TIME. BLESS YOUR NERDY LITTLE SOUL, SAKURAI-KUN.

NOW IF YOU NEED ME I'LL BE OVER IN THE CORNER SHRIEKING LIKE A LITTLE GIRL. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Re: ICHIMEN SEX ED, PART II: SHO SAVES THE DAY

Date: 2008-12-29 10:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
XDDDDD GLAD YOU LIKED IT, BB! ♥

(Honestly, having a fic about the dangers of shoving foreign objects into bodily orifices that didn't include Geito would be a crime against the universe. 8|)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
I HAVE DEDICATED THIS ONE ENTIRELY TO YOU, DA-LING. FOR, UH, OBVIOUS REASONS. Also I apologize if it is made of crap. I TRIED. I REALLY DID.
--
"I still don't see why I have to sit through this," Koichi mumbled, crossing his legs in an irritable fashion. He was a grown man; almost thirty (a fact that his partner never seemed to tire of reminding him of.) To have to sit through a lecture like this was degrading. And from a kouhai no less!

Tsuyoshi shot the other Domoto a smug little smile before reaching over and patting Koichi's knee gently. If he didn't know better, he could've sworn Tsuyoshi was patronizing him. "Well, maybe if someone decided to spring the few extra yen for proper lubricant instead of substituting with household condiments we wouldn't be sitting here."

Okay, scratch that. Tsuyoshi was patronizing him. Koichi tried to frown at his partner of so many years but it came out more as sullen and pouty. The even smile on Tsuyoshi's face didn't falter in the slightest. "Keep making that face and it'll stay like that, Kochan."

Koichi sighed and slumped into his chair maybe just the tiniest bit overdramatically. Escape Plan A--Charm the Pants off Tsuyoshi and Wheedle His Way OUt of This--had been thoroughly foiled. Well, no choice but to move on to Plan B:
Scare the Kouhai Into Submission.

Straightening up and recrossing his legs, Koichi put on his best icy senpai-of-doom glare and swung his full attention to the young man in the suit standing in front of him.

Sho gulped audibly.

Rolling his eyes, Tsuyoshi leaned over and slapped Koichi on his head, muttering something about if he didn't behave, Tsuyoshi would smack his wig clear off. Koichi mumbled something about not wearing a wig but slunk back a little all the same. The elder Domoto successfully subdued, Tsuyoshi gestured towards the Arashi member before folding his arms gracefully. "Please continue, Sho-kun."

Sakurai nodded and straightened his tie, producing his pointer and tapping it against a by now all too familiar (rather regretfully, he found himself thinking) series of charts and graphs. He cleared his throat and launched head first into his spiel about Foreign Objects and Your Rectum: A Dangerous Combination, purposefully losing himself in the familiarity of the speech and focusing more on the colored pie chart in front of him than maintaining eye contact. Truth be told, he wasn't sure which KinKi Kid was more intimidating: Koichi with his glare that seemed to promise bodily harm if he didn't end this session right now, or Tsuyoshi with his cold stare that promised the same if he did.

All he knew was when the fifty minutes--a new record, he realized--were up, he could not get out of the shared Domoto dressing room any faster. Gathering his things as swiftly as he could without seeming rude, he gave them both a brief bow before getting the hell away as quick as possibly and swearing off anything that was deep fried, once in batter form, or covered in mayonnaise, jam, butter, soy sauce, or just about every condiment ever made for the next month.
Edited Date: 2008-12-30 03:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
BHKGTUIFCGHKVYTIRYLBHJKB HJVCGHCTYF^UGBHJV J!!!!!!!! KEYSMASH OF DOOM. OH GODS, I LOVE YOU SO HARD, SERIOUSLY.

ESCAPE PLAN A AND B FTMFW!!!

(And oh gods, poor Sho. XD; I do not envy him in the least.)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
OMG YAY I GOT A KEYSMASH!! 8D <3 <3 <3

KOICHI PLANS FOR EVERY OCCASION. HE IS LIKE A BOYSCOUT AND MCGYVER COMBINED. ALWAYS PREPARED, ALWAYS READY TO IMPROVISE!

(God, can you imagine the things Sho had to sit through for the question and answer section? D8)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
THAT IS WHY KOICHI IS ABLE TO LORD OF OVER KOUHAI WITH AN IRON FIST! 8|

(YES. *coughandithinkyoushouldwriteitcough* 8DDDD)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
TRUE, TRUE. HE AIN'T CALLED OUJI FOR NOTHIN', YO.

(*cries* I may have thought up a way to do it. AUGH WHY IS BAD FIC SO MUCH FUN TO WRITE!? XD)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
(OMFG I MAY LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER IF YOU DO. BECAUSE IT'S AWESOME AND HILLARIOUS AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO THINK TOO HARD ABOUT IT? XD)

Jin gets an STD : PART I

Date: 2008-12-30 02:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
*cry* I just can't stop. XD (And wow, this icon has never been more appropriate)


When Jin waddled into the dressing room, mumbling to himself and looking decidedly in pain, Nakamaru knew it wasn't going to be good. The last time Jin had worn that expression and walked like he'd accidentaly sat on a lawn dart it had lead to a trip to the ER and a series of lectures by Sakurai-kun as to why it is not a good idea to stick foreign objects into your body for sexual purposes (or ever).

Nakamaru put the book he was reading down with a sigh and called to his bandmate across the room, halfway hoping the other wouldn't answer, or that Kame would handle things from here. "You okay, Jin?"

"No," Jin answered, shaking his head as he sat down in an empty chair, legs still spread wide as he squirmed around on the seat.

Nakamaru's face fell as his bandmates one by one mumbled their excuses and made a hasty retreat out the door. He took a deep breath and looked at Jin's face, wishing he could think of a good excuse to leave. Unfortunately for him he'd never been good at lying.

Taking a deep breath, Maru resigned himself to his fate and asked Jin the one question that he really, really didn't want to know the answer to, "What's wrong?"

Jin mumbled an inaudible response and shifted restlessly in his chair, his face scrunched up in obvious discomfort.

"What did you let someone put up there this time?" Nakamaru asked, the sigh evident in his voice.

"Nothing!" Jin shot back, giving Nakamaru his best 'I-am-a-sex-god-how-dare-you-question-me' face. "I don't know about you but I don't let people put things inside of me that weren't meant to be there. It's unsanitary and dangerous."

Nakamaru rolled his eyes and fought the urge to point out that a few short months ago Jin's opinion had been vastly different and they had the hospital paperwork (and pictures of Jin bent over a table with his ass hanging out of a hospital gown saved on Koki's phone) to prove it. "Right. So what's the problem, then?"

"I told you," Jin answered, glaring at the other as he crossed his arms over his chest and shifted more in his seat.

"But I didn't hear you," Maru pointed out, his patience quickly wearing thin. Maybe it was best if he just went and got Yamashita from the NEWS dressing room or, better yet, Nishikido. Jin almost deserved that for being such a baby about this when Maru was (however much against his wishes) trying to be a good groupmate and help.

"I HAVE SOME SORT OF WEIRD RASH ON MY DICK AND IT WON'T STOP ITCHING AND I THINK IT MIGHT FALL OFF, OKAY?"

Nakamaru blinked and reached up quickly to cover his mouth with one hand to smother the giggles he could feel welling up inside of him. He was almost sorry the rest of the group had left and missed this-- even if Jin looked like he was ready to kill him. "H-have you seen a doctor yet?"

"Of course not," Jin rolled his eyes and gave Maru a look that clearly said he thought the other was cracked to suggest it. "If I go to the Doctor they'll want to cut it off or something, and I don't have the hips to pull off being a good woman."

"Uh... right." Maru stared for a moment, not quite sure what to say to that. He really wasn't good at dealing with Akanishi logic at the best of times, and right now he was putting all of his effort into trying not to laugh. Clearly Jin had some sort of-- something, most likely an STD-- and he needed to see a doctor about it, but Jin never listened to Maru and the other highly doubted he'd start now.

There was only one option left then, really. "Maybe you should, uh... ask Yamapi. He'll know what to do, right?"

Jin brightened at the suggestion and sat up straight in his chair and gave a firm nod. "Pi... why didn't I think of that. He's a doctor, afterall!"

Jin gets an STD : PART II

Date: 2008-12-30 02:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
Maru opened his mouth to argue that Yamahita was not, in fact, a doctor, but decided whatever got Jin out of the room and hopefully (eventually) to a doctor was best at this point. "Yeah. Go ask him."

Jin was smiling to himself as he stood and started to waddle his way across the room and opened the door, nearly clobbering the rest of their groupmates where they stood pressed against it listening. Jin just 'hmphed' and gave them all a superior look as he waddled his way into the hallway.

Maru let out a sigh of relief as Jin disappeared and gave the rest of his bandmates a dirty look as they filtered back into the room. "If any of you tell Sakurai about this I'll kill you. I really don't want a two hour lecture on the virtues of safe sex."

"Funny, you would have thought that would have come before 'why putting foreign objects in bodily orifices is bad'," Ueda mused as they all sat down, save Kame who was too busy giving the entire room a look of disgust as if he was hoping that Akanishi could sense his disapproval from across the building.

"I wouldn't sit there," Maru mumbled, causing Koki to freeze in mid-air above Jin's recently vacated chair. "We don't know what he has or how contagious it is. By the way, you all owe me lunch."


Omake:

"Ne, Massu, I don't think you're supposed to eat your banana," Tegoshi piped, a serene smile on his face as he held his own banana firmly with one hand and expertly slid a bright pink condom onto it with the other (without looking).

Massu looked down at his half-eaten banana, his face falling a little. "Really?"

Koyama smiled at them both and handed his banana to Massu, winning him a bright smile from the younger boy. After a moment's thought he took his unopened condom and pushed it toward Yamapi as discretely as possible. He had faith in their leader, but you just never could be too safe.

Pi, meanwhile, was too busy pursing his lips and shifting his eyes from his banana, to Ryo's crotch and back to the banana, clearly lost in deep thought.

"Fucking Akanishi," Ryo hissed, reaching over to swipe Yamapi's condom and wondering what in the hell he had done to deserve this. He opened it and shot it rubberband style into Shige's hair in an effort to make himself feel better about this complete and utter waste of his valuable time.

Shige gave Ryo a dirty look and reached up to remove the condom, blushing faintly as he glanced across the room at Sakurai, only just managing to disguise his own horror at his bandmates' behaviour. It was days like this that he thought maybe Kusano and Uchi had been the lucky ones.

Re: Jin gets an STD : PART II

Date: 2008-12-30 02:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
Okay, so, like, I already read it and squealed at you but SERIOUSLY THIS WINS MY LIFE. POOR MARU. POOR, POOR SWEET NORMAL MARU. RUN AWAY WITH NEWS, HONEY.

ALSO THE OMAKE STILL WINS MY SOUL.

Re: Jin gets an STD : PART II

Date: 2008-12-30 02:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
IKR? AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT SECRET JUNNO OFF TO K8 WHERE HIS HUMOR WILL BE A BIT MORE APPRECIATED. 8|

OBVIOUSLY, SINCE TEGOD IS IN IT. 8D

Re: Jin gets an STD : PART II

Date: 2008-12-30 03:35 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
YES! PLUS THEY'RE A SHORT BAND. THEY NEED SOMETHING TO RAISE THE AVERAGE HEIGHT.

TEGOD MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER. TRUFAX!

Re: Jin gets an STD : PART II

Date: 2008-12-30 03:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
EXACTLY. HE CAN JUST TAKE UCHI'S SPOT SINCE NO ONE'S USING IT. 8D *is shot by rabid Uchi fans*


Re: Jin gets an STD : PART II

Date: 2008-12-30 03:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nanyakanya.livejournal.com
OH NO. DON'T SAY THAT! YOU MAY INCUR THE WRATH OF UCHI (http://sketchfu.com/user/image/680/Copy_of_Laughing_Goat.jpg)!! D8

... yeah, so gonna get murdered for that one. OH WELL. I HAVE NOT HAD ENOUGH SLEEP TO CARE. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~!!! 8D *FROLICS*

Re: Jin gets an STD : PART II

Date: 2008-12-30 03:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] track-04.livejournal.com
*dies laughing* Oh gods, that wiiiins.

And is oddly fitting considering who Uchi was closest to in his groups IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. *eyes nibbles*

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